


What Was, Before

by Lycaon Shadowhunter (TachyonStar)



Series: Y'senia's Plot Antics [8]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Gen, I spent entirely too long thinking about this, the plot expands, what is this I don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TachyonStar/pseuds/Lycaon%20Shadowhunter
Summary: Y'senia is starting to delve into her lineage in earnest, and she's not sure she likes what she's finding.
Series: Y'senia's Plot Antics [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756690
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \--haaaaaaaaa
> 
> *buries face in hands*
> 
> I swear I did not intend for this plot to take on THIS much of a life of its own...
> 
> (I also may have spent several hours mocking up a family tree for Senia just to sort of pinpoint how far back the Garlean ancestry came from. Never let it be said I am not thorough.)
> 
> This one's turned out to be another possible two-parter - I don't yet know if the next bit will work better as a standalone and not just a second chapter - so uh, watch this space, I guess.
> 
> Also, no matter what anyone says, I have _not_ written that treatise. I don't even know how to write scientific papers.

"I can't believe this," I say slowly as I'm looking through the files I'm holding, pretending not to notice my hands are shaking, lifting my head after a few moments to give Estinien what I hope is an unreadable stare. "How did you _find_ these?"  
  
"Without even trying," Estinien deadpans, and while I might ordinarily be a bit annoyed with his laconic demeanour, right now it's actually a bit reassuring. "I thought to take a bit of a shortcut after destroying the prototype - those files were sitting out in plain sight, and caught my eye as I was passing through. What with that first one..." he inclines his head just a little, towards the sheaf of papers in my left hand, the ones I'm trying not to look at too closely - though the front page is seared into my memory anyway, just from the slightest of glances. "I suspected they might be of some importance. When I reviewed them after I made my escape, I was certain." Serious now, he folds his arms, eyeing me with what looks suspiciously like a tinge of sympathy. "...You may rest assured I will not breathe a word of this to anyone. In fact, I intend to promptly forget I saw anything, should that ease your mind further. 'Tis none of my business, after all."  
  
I nod once, slowly, unable to meet his eyes; it's probably rude of me, but I can at least be assured that as detached from anything even resembling etiquette as he tends to be, Estinien won't find my behaviour the least bit insulting. "...Thank you," I say finally, quiet and a little hollow, and it's only through great force of will that I manage anything even resembling a smile, forcing my shoulders to relax a little and taking a deep breath. "I - I would take some time to look these over. I shan't keep you; certainly you have more important business than playing courier with ill-gotten information--" and when he lets out the expected snort of amusement, I _do_ feel a little bit better, at least. "...I would tell you to stay out of trouble, but we all know _that_ isn't going to happen. So at least try to drag yourself out of it in one piece, won't you?"  
  
"No promises," Estinien responds drily, waves a hand and turns to go.  
  
Once he's gone, I turn my attention slowly back to the files, finally letting myself sink into a nearby chair; it seems like it should be utterly impossible, really, but there is no doubt as to the relevance of these files, even without turning the first page to read what is contained within - the _damning_ first page, with its faded photograph and smudged lines of text, the page that just by its very existence confirms everything that's come to light about me and my own past, a cold and callous proof that I would almost swear is mocking me just in being before my eyes. Yet, now that I've truly _looked_ instead of just taking a passing glance in utter shock, I can't seem to look away, breaths shuddering in my chest with nervous anxiety as I touch a shaking fingertip to the page, tracing the lines of the face in the photograph and trying to pretend I don't feel as if the world has fallen out from underneath me.  
  
A tousled fall of white-blonde hair. Eyes the colour of a brilliant summer's sky. Skin softly tanned, seeming more suited to the sands of Thanalan or the wilds of Amh Araeng than the stiff mechanical walls pictured in the background. A smile soft and impish - so familiar I feel as if I am looking into a mirror, sending my thoughts into a frantic whirl.  
  
_If only he wore the ears of a Miqo'te, I should nearly not be able to distinguish him from my own self--  
  
_ I don't even realise my eyes have welled up until the first tears dampen the page, and I swipe an arm quickly across my face, taking a deep breath and shaking my head. I cannot give in yet; I cannot break, not until I've finished. Not until I know everything.  
  
"Aeon lux Sideris," I whisper to myself unsteadily, tracing my finger now beneath the text alongside the photograph, thinking that perhaps if I say it out loud, it might sink in a little better. "Son of Claris mal Sideris and Leona cen Fulgens. Primus Medicus and Architectus Ordinum of the IXth Legion. Aged twenty-three, married a Hyuran woman named Saewynn Fiske. Aged twenty-five, sired a daughter, Amina Sideris..." my voice breaks there, and I'm forced to pause and take a few deep breaths, shaking my head hard in an attempt to regain control over my rampant emotions. "...Aged thirty-seven, vanished while researching ancient Allagan ruins, presumed dead despite no body ever being found...Allagan ruins? But what...what did he think to perhaps _find_ there? Unless..." I pause again, a thread of something unpleasantly cold winding its way up my spine, as my traitorous mind finds its way back to everything we'd found reclaiming Ala Mhigo, to the research Aulus had been doing and the subsequent birth of the Resonants - and I realise with a sinking apprehension that, as distasteful as the thought is, I may know _exactly_ what he had been looking for. _Surely it cannot be,_ I try to tell myself, _but...  
  
_ After a few moments, slowly and reluctantly, I turn the page, and begin to immerse myself most unhappily into the records of my apparent great-grandfather's research.  
  
It is, I discover, exactly as I'd feared.  
  
_A Treatise on Garleans, and on Imbuing them with Aether to use Magicks_ , is the title of the dry and frankly boring document a few pages in, but I pore over it anyway in a most laborious manner, picking out the words and phrases I understand and quite misliking the story even those scattered bits are telling me. It isn't hard at all, if he'd only had _access_ to these files (and I suspect he must have), to see where Aulus might have got some of the leads he'd been acting on; Aeon's research was so thorough, his thoughts explained in greatest detail, almost more of a blueprint than a mere collection of potential ideas - and even with as put off as I am, I do have to somewhat admire the obvious scientific genius of it all. No _common_ mind would ever conceive of even a fraction of this, and I can only imagine how that would lead one to ever greater risk in the pursuit of knowledge, until they walked openly into their own death as a result of it...not so far, I think, from some of the things I myself have done, and then I promptly put that thought out of my head, turning the page with a self-directed sigh of irritation. I don't need to be taking the slide down that dark spiral right now, no matter how very tempting it might be.  
  
(The answer: _far_ too tempting, much to my annoyance.)  
  
The next few pages are more dry reports, and I flick through these with disinterest - there's only so much scientific babble I can process and I'm fairly sure I reached my limit three and a half pages ago - but then the writing takes a turn from nearly incomprehensible to familiar and concise, and I realise with a start that these are letters, apparently written to his family as he traveled for his research. It does make sense, when I think about it - a man so clearly devoted to his work must have found his wife exceptional indeed to love her, his daughter precious above all to treasure her so - and these thoughts spark my interest somehow, hands stilling before they can once more turn the page. (Perhaps this is a chance to get to know the _man_ himself, not just the work he'd done, though I don't honestly know why I'm so intrigued; but then again, do I truly need a reason to have an interest in family, even one I didn't know about until this very moment?)  
  
A slow breath, closing my eyes briefly, and then I begin - ever so carefully, so closely - to read through, lingering long on the page marked with a footnote denoting it as 'the final missive received'.  
  
_Dearest Saewynn, sweet Amina--  
_ _It has been long I have lingered far from home, but I assure you both, I am well. My research progresses in leaps and bounds - every day I seem to discover something new, something that could change our lives - nay, the very world as we know it, could I only bring these ideas back to Garlemald very much alive! Alas, 'tis a sad truth that the technology required is not something so easily conveyed, and it is for that reason I remain here for so prolonged a time, wondering how I might bring it back with me upon my return. Every day, every hour, every minute brings us a step closer, and yet...and yet.  
  
_ _Ah, but I forget myself! I have promised to speak of the places I have gone, to paint you a storybook of pictures with my words that you might too see them - and this place I write to you from is indeed one worth the effort to describe. It is an endless expanse, undulating bright beneath the relentless sun; sands of white stretch in every direction as far as the eye can see, harsh and yet so beautiful, and the very land itself seems to be steeped in a ponderous loneliness, one that simply begs for the company of those who set foot within. This is a place that bears the scars of long, long ago, and here of all places has opened another door of opportunity before me - for here too are ruins, as dark and cold as the sands are brilliant and warm, and I mean to explore them until not one single ilm has escaped my notice. It is here, I am certain, that I will find answers to some of my deepest questions, solutions to my largest problems...I am utterly certain. This place holds a most important key, and I intend to find it ere long, so I may return home to you.  
  
_ _But this letter, my dears, grows long, and the day grows ever shorter; though there is so much I still want to say, time does not permit it, and so I must - with greatest regret - cease to tell my tale for a time. I do hope the both of you are well as can be, and that you, sweet Amina, are being a good girl - though of course you must be, I cannot doubt your steadfast kindness and compassion. Take care of your mother for me, my darling, and let not the both of you worry overmuch, for I will return as I always do, triumphant and bursting with ideas. Look forward to it as I do, and soon enough we shall be reunited!  
  
_ _All my love,  
_ _Aeon.  
  
_ My head spinning a bit, I sit back and lower the papers, thinking over what I've just read - after the dull reports, the liveliness of the letter is nigh on overwhelming, and as I try to get it all straight, something is nudging insistently at the edges of my thoughts. _Endless white sands...ruins..._ the words tumble through my head over and over again, and I let my eyes close in a faint frown, biting my lip absently. _Sands and ruins. Why do I feel like I know...  
  
_ Then it hits me, and I sit bolt upright, my eyes flying open.  
  
"I know where you were," I whisper to the empty air, and my throat feels tight with the realisation. " _Gods_ , I know _exactly_ where you were at the end."  
  
And I know I can't possibly go there alone - but who can I possibly ask to accompany me?  
  
That, too, I quickly realise I know...and I'm not at all sure I like the answer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'senia leaves to find family, and that's exactly what she returns with - even if it isn't what she expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be perfectly honest; before I did the Ruby Weapon questline, I kind of expected this to end up in boinking.
> 
> ...Then I did that questline and decided Gaius needed to adopt Senia instead.
> 
> No regrets.
> 
> (Gaius is hard to write, though. Sheesh. I did not expect to fight with his dialogue as much as I did.)

"Would you mind telling me, now," Gaius says as we're looking out over the vast expanse of the Burn, " _precisely_ what it is we are doing here?"  
  
Taking a slow, nervous breath, I nod once - I _had_ been expecting this question, even waiting for it, I suppose - but it takes me a moment to get my thoughts in order, and by the time I have managed it enough to speak, he has turned from surveying the land to surveying _me_ with a most unamused expression. "To put it bluntly," I begin, quiet and a little halting, raising my head just enough to meet his eyes, but then quickly lowering it again at the piercing intensity of his stare. "There is something here, I'm led to believe, that I need to find...well, perhaps not _need_ , strictly, but...no, I - this is going to get us nowhere--" disgusted at my own recalcitrance, my inability to properly _answer_ him, I shake my head hard and instead begin fumbling in the pack at my side, withdrawing those damned files and shoving them in his direction. "...Estinien found these, while he was fleeing the capital after you two - anyway, he brought them to me, and reading them is why I wanted to come here. That man," another slow breath, and I dare to look up at him again, privately a little relieved to see him eyeing the files now instead of my face. "Apparently, he...was my great-grandfather, and this is the last place he was seen alive. I suppose I thought...if I came here, I might find what it was he was looking for, and what it was that presumably ended his life. You were the only one I thought might be able to assist me, since you've been here before - I'm sorry for dragging you out on such a selfish mission, but I swear to you, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think this was important. I'll make sure you're compensated properly, I just - it's just..."  
  
"Ah," he says, neutral and giving away precisely nothing, and returns the files to me after flicking through the pages in a brief and cursory manner, looking just the slightest bit sympathetic. "A wild goose chase, then; seeking scattered bits of a past you knew naught of, relics of a person long forgotten by even time itself. I must say, I am surprised - I did not think you the sort to be vulnerable to sentimentality." He half-smiles then, a little bitter and a lot wry, and that expression is enough to stifle any indignance I might have shown at his words, instead conjuring forth a bit of an odd sadness in the back of my mind. "...Though I suspect you had once thought the same of me, before the events surrounding the Ruby Weapon. Sentiment, in its way, is a mysterious thing...capable of bringing even the most lofty to their knees as easily as any weapon might, and yet at the same time, capable of elevating them to heights unimaginable. Nay, I cannot blame you for falling under its thrall any more than I can blame my own self." Exhaling a soft sigh, he looks back to the spreading wasteland before us, and I get the feeling he's turning various words over and over in his head, trying to decide which to say even as he systematically discards them one by one for not being suitable. "...So, the ruins, is it? This ought to be simple enough, if rather tedious. You are, I assume, prepared to fight," he says finally, quiet and even.  
  
"Think of who you're asking that of," I mutter dryly, but even so, I automatically move to touch the chakrams hanging from my belt, as if reassuring myself they are there. "And I know I don't have to ask you the same."  
  
He snorts sharp amusement at that, and I don't even have time to parse that I just made him _laugh_ before he's starting forward, crossing the ever-shifting sands as easily as if they were solid ground. "Do not fall behind - I might feel no remorse in leaving you here."  
  
"You wouldn't dare--" I skitter after him in pretend indignance, never mind that I'm actually smiling.  
  
We're both back to seriousness soon enough, however, and it's not long at all before brilliant sand makes way for cold metal and eerie lighting, stifling any further sense of amusement that might be lingering between us; I'm not really sure how _he's_ feeling, since he's entirely too good at holding that unreadably level expression of his, but I do know _I'm_ extremely on edge for some reason I can't really name, and the feeling is only getting stronger the deeper we progress into the ruins. (It's as if there really _is_ something waiting there for me, and instead of that being an exciting and maybe even reassuring thought, it's instead setting off a clamour of dread in the pit of my stomach that's impossible to ignore.) By the time we've managed to clear a path to what I can only assume is the central room, I'm so wound up I'm surprised I'm not vibrating, and apparently my disquiet is visible - slow, deliberately careful movement at my side draws my attention to Gaius, and once he's sure I'm focused on him so I won't lash out in surprise, he places a hand hesitantly on my shoulder, a gesture that quite honestly _is_ rather reassuring. "I would not think any less of you if you wish to leave," he murmurs, but he sounds like he already knows how I'm going to answer, and when I silently shake my head, he nods once and lowers his hand. "I will watch the door. This is your search - I have not the right to interfere in it. Go on."  
  
"Thank you," I manage, a bare whisper, and then summon up the willpower to step into the room proper.  
  
At first glance, it seems no different from any of the other rooms we've passed along the way - limned with streaks of unnatural illumination, the air chill and stifling, seeming more like the belly of some great hulking beast made of wires and metal than like a mere room - and some part of my mind wants to simply be satisfied with that apparent sameness and _leave_ , but the rest of me refuses to give in, trembling legs carrying me in a slow circuit round various bits of machinery to see if perhaps I can find anything out of sight of just a cursory glance. Surely there has to be something _left_ here, something that might answer all the questions I still have knocking about inside my head...but it's not until I'm slowly making my way back to the door that I see it, the briefest wink of shimmershine that most definitely isn't from any of the lights running through the paneling, and I immediately stop and kneel down to see something I'd never expected to find in a place like _this_ \- a small crystal tucked between two metallic protrusions, the light that shines from within only brightening as I extend my hand, as if it's trying to coax me into picking it up. "Well, _this_ isn't suspicious at all," I can't help but mutter under my breath, retracting my hand and sitting back on my heels while I consider my options, and the quietest of snorts from the doorway reminds me that I am in fact not alone, something I'd actually managed to forget in my nervous agitation. "If you're going to laugh at me, then come over here so you can scrape me off the floor when this inevitably turns me into a pile of pulp."  
  
"I regret to inform you I charge extra for cleanup duty," is Gaius' deadpan response, but nonetheless, he joins me after a moment anyway, folding his arms and staring down at my find, one eyebrow raising just the slightest bit. "You suspect this is some sort of a trap? Mayhap planted here by someone else who has seen those documents?"  
  
"I don't know," I admit quietly, one ear flattening briefly to the side, lips pursing just the smallest bit in petulant consideration. "It's definitely out of place, that's for sure, but I can't say how recently it was left here. Ordinarily the fact it has no dust or sand on it at all might be a clue, but crystals...well, they don't exactly tend to follow the expected way of things." A slight wry smile tugs at the corner of my mouth, and I free one of my chakrams from its hook on my belt, using it to prod warily at the crystal - which, at least, doesn't do anything alarming, just rolls over a little with a quiet and disgruntled clinking noise. "...As much as my self-preservation instinct is telling me _not_ to - don't say it, I know you're thinking it - there's only one way to figure this out, so I suppose I'd best get it over with. Just, ah...if something happens, and you have to beat some sense into me, try not to make it hurt _too_ much? I'd like to keep my face at least somewhat intact. Less explaining to do later - people do tend to get a bit concerned when I unexpectedly turn up looking like I've fallen out of a tree and landed on my nose, or such."  
  
Gaius raises the other eyebrow too, shaking his head and looking vaguely amused. "Do you fall out of trees and land on your nose often enough for that to be a _logical_ option?"  
  
"No! Well...all right, maybe once or twice. _Don't_ ask," I say a bit stiffly, finally reaching out to take the crystal in hand.  
  
Brilliant light immediately flares within its core, and as a hot, overwhelming pain blossoms behind my left eye in response, I have just enough time to feel a very distinct pang of regret at what I've done.

* * *

"Ah...I have done it, Mhina," a male voice whispers from somewhere nearby, and despite all effort, I can't seem to open my eyes to see who it belongs to. "At last...I have found it at last. The final piece...of what has long been hidden from me. From us."  
  
Footsteps resound, soft and quick - clearly belonging to someone very light on their feet - and though I wrack my brain, I don't recognise the timbre of them, nor of the voice, which presumably belongs to whoever is walking about. "All this time, it was so simple...if only I had thought to begin my search here, none of the heartache and unhappiness would have come to pass. How bloody _foolish_ of me," and he laughs softly, bitterly, a sound I feel I should recognise somehow. "Yet in the end...it matters not, does it? For I am here now, stood upon the very precipice of knowledge so long kept from my grasp - I had been so certain this would never happen that I had nigh given up hope, but the fates at _last_ have smiled upon me, my love. Soon enough...yes, soon I may be able to return to you, mayhap even before our daughter should make her entrance into this world. What a delight it would be, to witness her very first moments--" another laugh, this one sad and maybe a little broken, and the footsteps come faster. "Ah...if only. If _only_. Nay, I can bear it no longer - this pretence grows thinner by the moment, no matter how I tell myself otherwise. You know it, Mhina, and _I_ know it as well; I am not to return."  
  
_What,_ I think, try to say, but my voice is as recalcitrant and unresponsive as my eyes, which still refuse to open. _What...is this? What's happening?  
  
_ "I am forever grateful to you, my dearest - though you knew I was not like to return, still you encouraged me. Still you told me to seek the knowledge I so desperately craved. It is thanks to you that I have even made it this far...and I hope that when you tell our child stories of me, you also tell her the truth of it all. Of her...no, of _our_ heritage. 'Tis true, she may be hated," the footsteps slow, the man's voice faltering, and I feel a strange wave of sadness. "Yet still, it is her right to know of the blood that flows within her veins. I can only hope that when she is grown, she finds someone who can be to her like you have been to me; unwavering and supportive, looking to the heart within instead of the face without, loving me truly for who and _what_ I am instead of casting me aside for the same. I have never been able to put voice to how grateful I am that I met you, Mhina - and even now I fear I cannot, but in these final moments, I mean to try. You have given me a reason to live, to be proud of my bloodline, and I..."  
  
Another sound is rising now, a clamour of running footfalls and shouting voices, and the man hesitates, then resumes speaking in hushed and hurried tones. "I have only moments remaining to me, and I can only hope this reaches you. Somehow, in some way - if only I can be sure that you will hear me one last time - I love you, Mhina, and our child as well, more than life itself. Please, do not ever doubt that I truly loved you - and please, as she grows, do not ever let Senia feel that I abandoned her, because if _only_ I could return--"  
  
_Wait...does he mean...me?_ The realisation blindsides me, and the odd grief I feel is growing stronger by leaps and bounds. _It can't be...but...my mother - her name was Mhina! Then...then...  
  
_ "I am so sorry," the man whispers, and all of a sudden, my eyes are open and I can see his face before me - a face that, if I knew no better, I would almost think is my own. "Please...forgive me."  
  
My chest feels tight, and I want to scream, but the anguish keeps me from making any sound as the door bursts open, as the sound of gunfire follows, as the man's - as my _father's_ body falls, his life flooding away in a burst of relentless crimson.  
  
_No...no! Father...!  
  
_ But the pain closes in again then, and everything slowly fades.

* * *

"...Y'senia! Y'senia, can you hear me? Are you all right?!"  
  
My return to consciousness marked by a throbbing headache, numb extremities, and an exceptionally dry mouth, I try to speak, but all I can manage at first is a raspy sound that is probably about as reassuring as the fact I must have been entirely unresponsive for a time - which is to say, not reassuring in the least. "Ngh," I finally croak out after a few moments, swallowing hard to try and wet my throat a little, forcing my eyes open just enough to see a blurred face peering down at me with great concern. "Father...?" --and as soon as the word leaves my mouth, I feel an immediate surge of embarrassment, because of _course_ Gaius is not my father and I honestly don't even know why my brain-to-mouth filter let that one slip. "Ah...I...I'm all right. I just...I think...I saw a vision..."  
  
Gaius looks at me with an unreadable expression for a few moments, like he's trying to figure out exactly what to make of what I just said, but eventually he shakes his head just slightly with what looks suspiciously like a bit of a wry smirk, shifting to help me sit upright. "Ought I be worried about what you saw, if it made you mistake me for your own flesh and blood?" he asks in what I'm _fairly_ sure is a rhetorical manner, but doesn't wait for me to answer before he goes on, keeping a firm and supportive arm round my shoulders for me to lean into. "...You had me rather concerned when you simply collapsed - I could not help but think the worst. Luckily, you have spared me the trouble of trying to tell your comrades that you ended your life through your own recklessness. Now," he eyes me keenly for a moment more, then fumbles under a flap of his coat, and soon he's pushing a flask of water into my hands and steadying me while I attempt to drink without spilling it everywhere. "Was that crystal what you were searching for?"  
  
"Not exactly--" I frown a little, the realisation that I didn't actually fulfill my objective ringing sour, but I do have to admit that in the end, what I did find is better in its own way. "I...like I said, I saw a vision. My father...he came here, too, and I think he was searching for the exact same thing I was - the proof of our Garlean heritage, and what was so important here that our ancestor presumably gave his life to try and get hold of it." Another slow drink from the flask, and then I carefully attempt to get to my feet, hissing a little as sensation floods back into my limbs with the feel of a million tiny pinpricks. "He was...someone was following him. They tracked him here, and they killed him...I saw him die, just after using his last words to tell my mother how much he loved her. And how much he loved me, his unborn child..." saying it brings tears to my eyes, but I do my best to force them back, taking a deep breath. "I - gods, up until now, I never honestly missed him. I never even thought about him; he was gone before I even came into this world, so - all I ever knew was what my mother told me, and while I knew he must have loved me...it was all so indistinct. So nebulous, so far away. But now...now that I've _seen_ him, heard his voice..." I grit my teeth a little, take another deep breath, holding it for a long moment until I can calm enough to go on. "Now I can't stop wondering what it's like. To - to _have_ a father. Those children you raised...I can't help but think how lucky they are, getting to know someone who could be like that to them..."  
  
"Hm," Gaius responds, and I'd almost swear he looks embarrassed, but in this lighting, it's hard to tell. "Can you walk? I think it best for us to leave this place while we can still do so unhindered - you are clearly in no condition to fight, should anything find us here."  
  
Ordinarily I might be a little annoyed at the subject change, but right now his words make a very large amount of sense, and I nod agreement. "I think so, if we move slowly...it's just, my legs are still kind of numb, so..."  
  
"Lean on me, then," he says, not unkindly, and as his arm wraps about my shoulders again, I'm more than happy to do just that.  
  
It doesn't take us long at all, even despite my unsteadiness, to reach the transport that had brought us there in the first place, and soon enough we're well on our way, the only sound that of the humming magitek engine carrying us back home; it's stifling, really, and I feel like I should say _something_ but I don't know what, fidgeting uneasily in my seat and eyeing Gaius as he stares off at nothing in particular. If only I could be sure of what he's thinking right now - my own earlier words keep tumbling around inside my head and I'm almost _positive_ that what I said must have been upsetting, but... "Um," I blurt before I can really even think about it, surprising even myself, and am forced to spend a moment fumbling for words when he turns to look at me, feeling a bit disgusted at my own awkwardness. "I, ah - thank you. For...for coming with me, I mean - I wouldn't have been able to do this without your help, and...I-I didn't offend you or anything like that, did I? When I said, er..."  
  
(It's irritating, really, how very eloquent I am _not_ right now, and I only just resist the urge to smack myself.)  
  
Gaius blinks once, slow and neutral, and then gives the smallest of wry smirks, a reaction which is (somewhat paradoxically) kind of reassuring. "This is most unlike you, Y'senia," he says, and he's not _wrong_ , which should probably sting, but the way he says my name is so surprisingly gentle that I only feel a strange warmth. "Does it truly bother you so much? Nay, do not answer that - of course it would. To learn what it is you have been lacking for so long, and then to realise you lack it still...anyone would be tormented by such a thing. I do not blame you." Returning his gaze distantly to the wall he'd been not-actually-staring at, he's silent for a moment longer, as if considering his words. "...To that end, I took no offence. If anything, I suppose I may have felt...somewhat pleased, though I know not exactly why. Vulnerable to sentiment, indeed..." another wry smirk, and he shakes his head. "'Tis my lot in life, I fear."  
  
"You and me both," I murmur with a wry smirk of my own, taking a deep breath and letting the tension out of my shoulders. "...I think I can see why Cid would have felt closer to you than to his own blood father. You really - you aren't a bad person at all. I'm just too bloody stubborn to change my mind about people sometimes, I suppose. I'm sorry...for all of that."  
  
"Hm. You need not apologise." Gaius is silent for a long moment after that, then turns his head enough to glance at me out of the corner of his eye. "Did he truly say that?"  
  
I nod, a little sheepishly. "I, er, probably shouldn't have let that one slip. Please don't tell him I did."  
  
"I can promise naught," he says, perfectly deadpan, but when I flatten my ears forward a little and give him a wounded look, he snorts a laugh. "Not a word of it will pass my lips. I imagine he would not suffer to hear it, at any rate. Too much has gone sour between us."  
  
"You're probably right," I admit quietly, looking down, feeling a pang of guilt for some reason I don't really understand. "But he - he really cares about you, you know. Even now. And after today, I think...I might know how he feels. I suppose, if I had to choose someone to be a father to me, I'd want it to be someone like you--" and I feel myself promptly going a most furious shade of red the instant the words are out of my mouth, ducking my head sharply. "I, ah...t-that just sounded strange, didn't it? I-I'm sorry. It's just...I just..." trailing off, not even sure where I'm going with this now, I shake my head helplessly.  
  
Gaius just looks at me, eyebrows raised, for a few moments, but eventually he seems to decide against embarrassing me any further by making any comments about my slip of the tongue, for which I can only be silently grateful. "I feel mayhap I ought to ask," he says instead, and at least he doesn't _sound_ like he's angry or upset, "if you truly wish to know the particulars of your heritage...or if you are only searching because you feel yourself obligated. Garlemald, and all in it, has long been your enemy, and from what I know of you from our previous encounters, I can only imagine this newfound knowledge has proved most unpleasant. If it is mere obligation, I would advise you to let the matter rest, here and now--" and he sounds unexpectedly sympathetic, which throws me off enough that I can't make any automatic, furious protest at the suggestion I cease to seek my origins. "But if you wish to know, _truly_ , then I may yet be able to aid you. In that case, I would have you tell me what it is that drove you to begin this quest at all."  
  
Surprised, I hesitate for a few long moments, finally giving a slow nod and turning my gaze downward, hands squeezing tightly together in my lap in an attempt to settle my disquieted feelings. "I...it began when I was six years old, as near as I can remember," I start almost inaudibly - and then I begin to explain, about my capture and subsequent imprisonment in Garlemald, about the experiments performed on me for the two years I was held there, and about the conclusion Thancred had come to that seemed far too true for comfort; it takes all I have in me to even get the words out, and so I don't pay the slightest bit of heed to his reaction until I've finished speaking, only then raising my head in exhaustion to see him staring at me with a thoroughly unreadable expression. "...It sounds unbelievable, I know, but I swear every word of it is the truth. It was the possibility that I might, even distantly, be of Garlean blood that spurred my search...and if not for that chance meeting with Thancred as a child, when I at last gained my freedom, I would have recalled none of this now. That is why I began," I murmur, soft and weary. "And why I cannot stop...not until it is all laid bare to me."  
  
"You mean to tell me," Gaius says, little more than a whisper, and I would swear he sounds horrified. "You were used for their _experiments_? A mere child, traumatised and alone, and still they--" he breaks off there, visibly trembling for the briefest of moments before he can get himself back under control, and I can't help but reach nervously out to put a hand on his arm, feeling rather guilty when he flinches in surprise at the contact. "...That is - I cannot condone or forgive such acts. Absolutely not. And yet, I cannot say I was unaware my own homeland would see fit to perpetuate such atrocities..." trailing into silence again, he shakes his head hard once, and then he's abruptly seized me by the shoulders and pulled me close before I can even realise he's moved, his arms enfolding me in a startlingly protective embrace. "...Though it is like to mean very little, and cannot make even the slightest of amends for what was done to you...please allow me to apologise, and to ask you one more thing. You said you were eight years old, but how long ago was it that you made your escape?"  
  
"How...long?" Not expecting the question, I have to take a moment to properly parse it before I can answer. "That was...it would be around twelve years ago, as best as I can reckon. I don't know the _day_ I escaped; I only recall it could not have been very long after my nameday, so..."  
  
Taking a startled breath, Gaius lets go of me and tilts his head to look at my face, expression disbelieving. "You are only twenty years old?"  
  
"Fair recently turned, aye...wait, how old did you _think_ I was?" I question incredulously, before I can even think that perhaps I might not want to know the answer to that.  
  
"I did not think you still a mere _child_ by any means--" Pausing there, as if expecting I might find that an insult, Gaius sighs after a moment, shaking his head again as he goes on. "Perhaps it is arrogant of me, but knowing what I do now, I find this deeply unfair. Your family long passed, your childhood stolen away, forcing you to struggle and fight merely to live...'tis an existence I would not wish upon my worst enemy, much less a woman so full of purpose and potential. Would that I could..." he stops, eyes me keenly, and I can very nearly see the figurative gears turning in his head, I imagine. "...Pray forgive me a moment of insolence, but I would turn back to an earlier subject for a time. You said that, could you choose a person to be a father to you, you would wish them to be someone like me. Though it may have been naught more than a confused slip of the tongue...allow me, then, to put a rather strange question to you, Y'senia. Given the option, fantastical though it may sound - were I to make the offer, _would_ you allow me to act as your father?"  
  
The question, dizzyingly unexpected, stuns me into silence for a time, and all I can do is stare - wondering if he truly expects an answer, if my inability to speak around the sudden lump in my throat might be taken as insult, and if I even honestly _know_ how I might want to answer him - except the instant I think that, it's clear to me that I do know, and the realisation makes me feel surprisingly warm. "I...I would," I answer him at last, in a bare whisper, my eyes welling up with tears that I don't bother to fight. "I would be _honoured_ to call myself your daughter...if you would let me."  
  
"Then let it be so," he murmurs, and this time when his arms tighten around me, I bury myself into them with a quiet sob.  
  
It takes some time for our transport to reach Ala Mhigo, and twilight has long descended by the time we arrive; because of that, I'm not expecting anyone to be awaiting my return, so I can't help a flare of surprise when we disembark to see Cid stood near the aetheryte, raising a hand in greeting when he spots us. "There you are, Y'senia! I've found something you might want to have a look at--" he's brandishing a sheaf of papers even as he speaks, and I suppose my expression is giving away the thought of _not more Twelve-damned research papers_ that runs through my head, because he gives me a sympathetic smile as he approaches to hand them to me. "Don't worry - I assure you every last one is perfectly comprehensible this time. But never mind that for the moment; you look rather satisfied with yourself. Both of you," he glances at Gaius as he says that, then back at me, looking between the two of us for a moment with a gaze just slightly too sharp for comfort. "I assume you found what you were looking for, then?"  
  
"Not...exactly. I did find something better, though," I admit, turning my eyes down to the papers so I don't feel the urge to squirm nervously, somewhat privately relieved to note they _do_ seem to actually be written in a way non-scientists might easily understand. "It's something to think over for a time, at any rate...and I doubt there's anything more for me to find there, so we can at least cross _that_ lead off the list. Which leaves us nowhere, again, unless..." Pursing my lips petulantly, I consider for a moment, then sigh, shaking my head and looking up at Gaius. "Well, it's not worth thinking about right _now_. I'm certain you have other places to be, so don't let me keep you. Thank you for your help, though; if not for you, I likely wouldn't be standing here right now. I'll compensate you well for all the fuss, I swear to it, just...give me a bit of time..."  
  
"No need," Gaius says with the briefest hint of a wry smile, shaking his head and turning to go. "As I told you on the way, that you are safe is enough. Rest, before any of your comrades should think to be furious with me for pushing you too hard - and should you find anything more, you know how to find me."  
  
I give a wry smile of my own, tail flicking sheepishly, and nod. "I - right. Thank you, and...take care, Father. Be well."  
  
The look of surprise Cid gives me as Gaius boards the transport again is strong enough I don't even have to _see_ it to know it's there - which is good, because I'm too nervous to look at him, instead focusing intently enough on the papers that I startle visibly when he speaks. "Ah, so that's the way of it, then? I must say, that is _not_ something I had expected," he says, and claps a hand down on my shoulder, smiling at me just a bit when I turn my head to look at him cautiously. "But remember what I told you before - he always did have an eye for talent and a mind to nurture it. That in mind, I suppose I'm not entirely _surprised_." Cheerfully, he gives my shoulder a squeeze, then lowers his hand, tone taking on a bit of a teasing lilt. "So this would make us family of a sort, wouldn't it? I can't say I would have any protests."  
  
"I," I start, blinking, then giving a slow, faint smile as I consider the thought. "I suppose you're right. It would...and I don't mind either, really. As strange as having family is..."  
  
"You will get used to it," he reassures me, then takes hold of my arm to lead me away from the aetheryte. "But this conversation would best be continued inside, over a meal and a drink - and then I would have you tell me of what you discovered, if you feel it worth sharing with me. It must have been something unexpected indeed to cause Gaius to take you under his wing, and I admit to being most curious."  
  
"It was...definitely unexpected," I agree dryly, but my smile grows, betraying amusement. "Make that several drinks and I might consider it."  
  
"You drive a hard bargain," Cid says with a most dramatically put-upon expression, never mind the fact he's clearly trying not to grin. "Very well, then - we'll consider it a celebration of your newfound family, as well. How does that sound?"  
  
I can't help myself - I laugh in delight, tail curling into a brief, cheeky arch. "It sounds like we have a deal."


End file.
